i had to write this down, otherwise i wouldnt have it in my head when i talked to you..  when something happens, really happens, you feel it. right then and there. ive spent most of my 20 years pushing out negative feelings and hiding my pain, so now i have a problem recalling them when i need to. seperation repression. one of my many diseases.  i never used to have these "diseases".  this next one i developed somewhere along the road of a relationship. i'm not pointing fingers or blaming anyone,  im not sure whose fault it is anyway. i only know that i have developed a fear and an incapability. i cant do the things i have done before.  i now live life being afraid of being alone. after knowing and experiencing how it is and feels to have another half.  they understand you.  that is one of the most important things to me. everyone needs to be understood by someone. and i had that.  being told that they hate spending time with you. and that you are pushing them away with what "you" are doing to them, not a good feeling.  and explaining yourself is meaningless and realizing that the one you never had to explain yourself to, refuses to get it. again, an undescribable feeling. why do we do the things we do? questions. that is all minds are now. wondering about everything. questions. i never had to ask them, i had no reason to.  i understood myself because someone else did and that was all i needed to know.  relationships fade, although the mind never does. the questions reappeared and now i am not sure why i do the things i do. another disease. anger is as lightning, it rolls in with a storm. all is non-visable except the actions performed, a blackout. and sound only comes after, after the streak has crossed the sky and now nothing can be done.  the sounds are the voices of those i hurt, and the many whispers inside of me. my consequences. tonight, the one i stayed with for so long in fear of being alone, has shown they have no respect for me. all remains of answered questions and being understood have been completely washed away. my reaction to that brough a storm as voices got louder and my plea grew fainter.  my final cry for help ended in rejection yet again and lightning struck.  and now im left with no one except those feelings and voices inside of me.  this is thunder. "you need help, you are beyond my help."     i  am not.   the cure for these diseases is out there, but it does not lie with this person anymore. this is only a cold realization and it happened because it needed to. for reasons, everything happens for reasons.  i am just now starting to wake up..